Jun 24, 2009

An Atheist's Guide to Proselytizing

As proud members of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, we all know about the importance of making sure we trick as many theists out of their god belief as possible.  In the past we have done things like planting dinosaur bones and have our guys on the inside mistranslate Biblical texts.  These are all great techniques, please keep up the great work, but we must also know how to spread atheism when face to face  with a theist.  This, unfortunately, is something the theists are largely better at doing since they are so willing to incorporate underhanded techniques.  Don't let this get you down as we can use this to our advantage.

Through careful study, we at the EAC have found a way to use good for evil.  Yes that's right, good can be evil.  If this seems odd to you, just as Christians about God and they'll be sure to set you straight.  By taking in this fact, we have developed a system through which you will use good to spread the EAC message.  If you have forgotten the EAC message it is on the back of your membership card.  I know you have the card as you should be guarding it with your life...because we will kill you if you lose it.  Anyway, the EAC message is that god is a big meany and although we know he exists we will throw him out of power.  But, don't jump to revealing that message too quickly to new converts, it might scare them.  For now, just explain to them why god doesn't exist.  We can work up to the real story after they have reached a higher ranking within the EAC.  Now, onto the important stuff, how to win over the religious with good:

The first thing you must do is be friendly towards the theist no matter how silly their argument may be.  This will make the religious person very angry as they try repeatedly to get you to blow your top over threats of hell and how hard your...erm...heart is.  It is very important that you do not fall prey to their techniques.  The strategy here is to let them blow up first, thus destroying any argument they have that being religious leads to being a nicer person.  Once you have achieved this very amusing technique, it is onto the next step.

Now that you have gotten the religious person to secretly accept that religion doesn't make someone a better person (give yourself on the back if you got them to voice this change of opinion), you can now proceed to prove that the religious person is less moral than yourself.  Feel free to cite their belief in a god who allows slavery and the subjectification of women as proof of your moral superiority.  If possible, make sure the theist sees you helping an old woman walk across the street prior to engaging in conversation.  Keeping a set of fake membership cards to organizations such as ASPCA, Green Peace, Habitat for Humanity, Doctors Without Borders etc will also help your argument if proof is demanded of your volunteer involvement.  Btw, we will be setting up some fake atheist charities over the next year to help you in this effort.

If you are successful with implementing the above, you should be well on your way into tricking the theist into thinking that atheists are in fact more moral than any religious person.  After all, it couldn't be that some people do good for the sake of good; that's just silly.  I hope you all found this guide helpful.  Remember to join us at our next meeting...we have cookies.

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